Waiting Game

The end is coming, we know it now. Her eyes continue to have issues and our vet confirmed that this is a sign of her FIP progressing. She's barely playful and not eating much, not even some of her treats. She spends most of her time sitting. She's not doing much with her eyes, just looking straight ahead. Mike's mom came over and held Callie in her arms. She knew what we were hoping was overreaction, that the end really is near. Our vet has told us to prepare ourselves for putting her to sleep. As for when the answer is when she stops eating and drinking all together.

There are times I want to cry. There are times I'm laughing with her and acting perky. In reality I'm numb. We've known this would more than likely be her future long enough to come to acceptance. I'm fearful that the numbness will fade to harsh reality the day she is ready to leave. I can't imagine holding her as she slips away. I can't imagine trying to stay calm, to give her a peaceful end, and not crying my eyes out.

There is also guilt. Even though I know there is nothing I did to cause all this there is a little birdy in the back of my head, chirping ever so quietly. I keep jamming a cracker down it's throat to keep it quiet. I know one day it will chirp loudly and finally get to me.

The photographer that was scheduled to take Callie's pictures on Wednesday has been nice enough to fit us in tomorrow. I'm so thankful that we'll get some nice pictures of her to frame on our wall once she is gone. I would have liked to catch a healthy Callie but at least I'll have one of her last moments to cherish.

I think she knows her photo shoot is coming. I caught her sitting on the floor in a puddle of light and grabbed a camera. I'm very proud of the end product: